Nostalgia Trip - My 1st Edition Pathfinder Society Barbarian

PATHFINDER SOCIETY BARBARIAN 163880-1

A RECORD OF THE DEEDS OF ARKION

Arkion of Numeria | Chaotic Neutral Male Human (Kellid) Barbarian (Superstitious) 6 / Fighter 2
Deity: Gorum | Occupation: Potter | Age: 30 | Languages: Common, Hallit, Orc
STR 18 | DEX 10 | CON 16 | INT 13 | WIS 14 | CHA 10

Born in the slums of Starfall in Numeria, Arkion's rough childhood taught him how to survive, how to fight, and how to mistrust. At the age of fourteen, he slew six Kellid elders who sacrificed his sister to Rogavug during a ritual meant to appease the Rough Beast. Two of these elders were sorcerers in the Technic League, which meant as long as the Black Sovereign ruled, Arkion would be seen as a criminal. Arkion left Starfall and Numeria, and has traveled Golarion as a vagabond ever since.

[VARIOUS GAME STORES IN UTAH 2015] EARLY CAREER

Arkion traveled to far distant jungle lands with a small band of Pathfinders in search of some sort of mystic key. Although the key was never recovered, the Pathfinders did manage to defeat a band of kobold raiders who were kidnapping and sacrificing villagers to their nameless reptilian gods. Arkion even took a lightning bolt to the heart during a battle with their shaman. He lived, praise Gorum, but the kobold who called the lightning did not.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2017]

Two years later, a slightly wiser Arkion traveled to Tien, again on Pathfinder business. He looted a masterwork naginata from the ruined estate of an old military officer, learning to use it almost instinctively. He also befriended the gnome kineticist Moonbean. His time in Tien was productive – he discovered an ancient treasure map, fought a ghost panda and a pair of fireworks demons, and even made contact with the spirit of a long-dead princess. Not only that, but he learned Jade Ogre kick fighting and developed an appreciation for Tien pottery. Arkion went to Tien looking a forbidden city full of ghosts and treasure, but what he really found was himself.

[THE GAMING GOAT, ST. PAUL]

Arkion then traveled to Absalom, the city at the heart of the world, and visited the Blakros Museum. While there, Arkion helped a flustered museum curator find his absent co-worker (recently slain by something in the pottery wing—how embarrassing!) and killed a merrow and exorcised some unfriendly ghosts. There are lots of gnomes in Absalom, it seems. This one gnome, Quinn, fought with a hook hammer on a long pole and always swept the legs of her enemies with the hook before crushing their skulls with the hammer. Arkion was impressed and took a liking to her. All in all, it was a fine vacation.

[THE GAMING GOAT, EAGAN—THE SOLSTICE SCAR]

Arkion then helped thwart an outright assault on the Blakros Museum by, of all people, Numerian cultists of Vildeis. Turns out the curator had shadily acquired some sacred Numerian artifacts which very much belonged to the cult. Furthermore, one of those artifacts was needed to stop an otherworldly Big Bad from returning to Glarion on the coming Solstice with his skeleton army in tow. The Pathfinder Society was on board with sending Arkion and his pals to the Realm of the Mammoth Lords so he could help the Numerians thwart the big bad, so they went there and did that. There was a whole epic scene where they convinced three barbarian tribes to put aside their differences and fight together as one, and this amazing moment when the Cleave feat actually worked perfectly, but the whole thing felt like overkill when the skeleton army turned out to be a dozen skeletons and the big bad was a really big crawling claw. Arkion, embarrassed, decided to take some time off after that, wintering with the orcs and really making some time to get into ceramics.

He also commissioned the orcs to make him a cold iron naginata, because seriously, how badass are cold iron orc-crafted naginatas? Totally badass. That’s your answer.

[THE SOURCE]

A venture captain’s letter passive-aggressively insisted that Arkion go do a training exercise in the Red Redoubt, which, of course, turned into a whole adventure. Arkion slew a malfunctioning robot and befriended a snake-man and an android. He also found a working medlance. Medlances are odd Numerian technology. In practice, they’re something like an armored hypodermic needle that can be used to inject potions, elixirs, mutagens, what-have-you, directly into the bloodstream. This medlance would, sometime later, save Arkion’s life and the lives of his companions. Overall, the Red Redoubt was a successful team building exercise. Whatever you gotta do to keep your Society membership current, y’know?

[FANTASY FLIGHT, FEB 1, 2018]

At the behest of the Grand Lodge, Arkion left the cold north for Riddleport, a city of sailors and scoundrels. The travel was difficult and his companions were tiresome – a bard who failed to be entertaining dominated the group, and an elf who constantly prattled about moral philosophy soon drove Arkion to disgruntled silence. Only the young warrior Kaiaphas, also beholden to the Great Lodge, seemed to have the right idea about Riddleport: That it was a slum full of violent bandits who understand only strength.

Arkion’s primary task was to recover a book on Azlanti ruins written (and not yet published) by an Azlanti scholar. This task he accomplished handily, breaking into the pirate-held warehouse where the scholar was held and murdering her captors. The weakling elf and cowardly bard helped in what minor capacity they could manage, but only Arkion and Kaiaphas’ mastery of steel made any difference that day. The grateful scholar was returned to her community, and she shared her work with the Lodge.

One of her captors was kept alive and interrogated. The dread pirate Aleja, a vishkanya, had also captured a prominent scholar from Tien. We followed her trail…

It first took us to the docks where some ruffian paymasters scuffled with us over gold owed to the bandits we’d just slain. The names the interrogated bandit gave us – Jest, Kumquat, and Human Number Three – may have been false ones. Regardless, we killed the paymasters and took our spoils of pirate gold. Also, Cleave was relevant!

Then it was on to the Lionfish, one of Aleja’s boats. We hired a dwarf to take us to where it lay docked in Riddleport harbor, then used rope and grapples to climb from the dwarf’s small boat up the side of the Lionfish. Our luck soured. Only Arkion was strong enough to make the climb on his first attempt, leaving him surrounded by Aleja’s pirate crew. Kaiaphas came up next, but an alchemist under Aleja’s employ threw bombs of acid at the dwarf’s boat, and the elf and bard were frightened off the climb. Although Arkion and Kaiaphas fought bravely, they were sorely outnumbered and wounded. The bard, at long last, worked a healing cantrip into Arkion’s wounds and stopped his profuse bleeding. Arkion then drank an Elixir of Life looted from the Red Redoubt and, all of Gorum’s fury welling up in him, hacked and cleaved his way through the remaining pirates.

Seriously, we couldn’t roll higher than a 4 on a d20 and it was nearly a TPK. The guy playing the bard was so useless that I’m almost mad he got to heal me.

After the massacre aboard the Lionfish, Arkion and his companions gleaned enough knowledge from the captains’ correspondence to learn where Aleja was keeping the kidnapped Tien scholar. We spent the night recovering from battle, healed ourselves with magic and ale, and contracted the dwarf again to sail us to Aleja’s hideout.

Once inside the musty shoreline cave, we soon found evidence of a camp. We slew some rabid guard dogs and found Aleja herself with a knife to the Tien scholar’s throat, hissing at him, “Do you know what I am going to do with you?”

Arkion interjected, “Do you know what I’m going to do with you, Aleja?” The vishkanya pirate began monologuing a negotiation for her escape, but it of no consequence—Arkion marched forward and split her in half with a single strike of his naginata. (x4 crit for 63 damage! Wooooo!) Aleja’s accomplices died seconds later. The scholar freed, Arkion and his companions returned to Riddleport, satisfied with their butchery.

[THE HALFLIGHT PATH – CON OF THE NORTH]

Soon after the Riddleport excursion, Arkion traveled to Kaer Maga to help the Dusk Wardens investigate disturbances and disappearances along the Halflight Path. A bard (a different bard), an inquisitor of Sarenrae, and a tengu rogue all came along and proved themselves to be useful companions.

In Kaer Maga, a troll oracle read her own entrails and divined the location of the recent disturbances we were hired to investigate.With the blessing (and writ, and payment) of the golem-crafters who hired us, we descended into the vaults.

A drak creeper attacked us almost immediately. The inquisitor was almost slain outright, but Arkion’s belligerent chopping and hot dice saved the day. Cultists of Azathoth had set up a strange crystal garden in the lightless deep, and those crystals, originally from the far off planet Eox, proved quite hazardous. Arkion nearly lost his mind when the crystals began to sing, and chopped at the bard when he became convinced she was a robot. Luckily, some quick thinking by the others separated Arkion from the group until he could regain his mind, and tragedy was avoided . Our fight against the cultists happened by accident. We stumbled upon them in the dark, and after a spell battle (two webs, a fireball trap, hold person, and a touch-and-go color spray) we left them dead and returned to Kaer Maga for our reward.

Arkion commissioned an adamantine greatsword and a suit of mithril plate armor from the golemancers of Kaer Maga. The words he would later use to describe them were, respectively, ‘unstoppable’ and ‘exquisite.’

 [SOLSTICE SCAR B – CON OF THE NORTH]

Arkion traveled back to the lands of the Mammoth Lords after his time in Kaer Maga. He missed the cold wind and the life of the honest barbarian. The Numerian warrior Meddis, however, had different plans. Once again the portal was open, and the tribes called together to fight agains the skeleton army.

Arkion re-met Moonbean the kineticist, traveling alongside a pair of worthless spellcasters and a druid who could shapeshift into a dinosaur. Together with a hoard of other Pathfinders, they waged war against a formidable tide of the undead. There really was a skeleton army on the other side of that crazy old portal! How exciting!

Arkion was nearly slain by a rage wight in a dramatic showdown – he, like He-Man, ran weapon-first and screaming at Skeletor, was parried, stabbed repeatedly, and nearly devoured by swirling unholy energies. He was at death’s door when a tyrannosaur bent down and bit the wight in half, saving Arkion’s life. The t-rex then offered Arkion a ride, and he rode to the Pathfinder encampment thus, reveling in his triumph.

Later, once an attack-force of exiled shades and shadows had been dealt with and the rage-wight’s wounds had been healed with magic, the Pathfinders, reveling in their triumph against the Big Bad and his skeleton army, heard rumors of a marauding tribe of kobolds in service to an evil white dragon.

As we must in such situations, we made war upon the tribe. Our shitty spellcasters took forever to take their turns though, so we didn’t really get to enjoy any of it. I mean, um, Arkion, still weak from his injuries, volunteered to act as a scout, slaying only a small patrol of the creatures before helping himself to a share of the white dragons’ hoard.

[DREAMER’S VAULT BURNSVILLE – TIME OF RIGHTEOUS REPOSE]

Some time later, Arkion and Moonbean discovered rumors of an ancient tomb filled with treasures and probably ghosts. They made plans to go explore it with the paladin Bree’am and the witch Feiya, but Arkion missed the scheduled departure date and didn’t catch up with them until they’d already done all the actual scouting and ground work.

They’d also acquired a sexy Tien ninja who kept making horrible dad jokes and was actually just terrible company, truth be told. Arkion felt conflicted. Being late meant that the others had done all the boring brain work, which was good. But would they have brought along the obnoxious ninja if he’d been punctual? Actually, yes, they probably would.

Scouting the tomb and liberating its treasures was refreshingly straightforward work. They slew a bodak, fought a bound celestial chimera, got ambushed by a vampire, placated wraiths with a spell of sunlight, straight up murdered a bunch of psychic phantoms, and crushed a golem into handfuls of enchanted rock dust. A very workmanlike expedition to be sure. Arkion decided to spend some looted gold on an enchanter—fighting incorporeal creatures is a pain in the ass when you’re reliant solely on brute strength and good looks. Thus, his trusty naginata became a +1 ghost touch naginata.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] DEATH FRIENDSHIP ON THE ICE

Companions: Xemx Daystar, Dhampir Paladin 9 | Moonbean, Gnome Kineticist 7

Svala is missing. She’s lost somewhere in the White Fang Peninsula. Svala is an Erutaki scholar and a skilled linguist. She found ruins in northern Avistan overrun with blackfrost contamination, whatever that means. Cocaine, the snow owl, is Svala’s messenger companion; it brings us notes from Svala, Ulfen translations, and, to make a long story short, the Grand Lodge is worried about her and will pay us to go rescue her from her camp in the frigid nowhere.

We sail to the White Fang Peninsula. Te’Casa and her Erutaki come out to escort us to the village, and an orca comes up to our canoe, tips it over, and fuckin’ tail flips Arkion into the air like a seal-snack. Moonbean electrocutes it and nobody gets eaten, but Te’Casa is pissy that we didn’t respect the whale’s boundaries or some dumb hippie bullshit.

Some Ulfen merchants help us out after the Erutaki give us a cold reception. They trade us sleds and supplies to get to Skala’s camp (mostly ‘cause Xemx is an Ulfen Guard – who knew?).

We finagle an audience with the Erutaki elder and show her Cocaine’s book of Svala’s notes. This is what Arkion wrote down after the encounter:

PLANT, HUMAN, ANIMAL, SPIRIT – FOUR WORLDS

MALU’AMUK, PILUM’GAK VILLAGE

POISON FROM BEFORE THE WORLD WAS MADE

NUN’GA, FLESH EATERS, DANCED WITH THE AURORA

SPIRITS SENT WINTER’S FAVOR TO COVER THE PILUM’GAK IN SNOW

The elder gives us a wand of ice shape with 22 charges and tells us to go re-seal the pilum’gak that Svala the schola probably unwittingly released from their supernatural snow-tombs. She gives us a campfire bead and a wand of endure elements, too, so that’s pretty decent. Te’Casa even volunteers to come along as a guide. We’re lukewarm about that whole situation. The orca-baiting thing, and then fight-shaming us for being badasses? It was pretty embittering.

Twelve days out on the journey, we’ve been killin’ it on Survival checks, and then OH SHIT it’s Ulu’mamuk’tu, a goddamn man-eating polar bear. Te’Casa resists the urge to fight-shame us and we get to fightin’ the bear. Arkion gets grabbed and grappled, Moonbean electrocutes the bear, and Xemx heals us both up after the battle. A nice straightforward brute battle. No level drains, no Diplomacy checks, just a solid session of thwacking one another until somebody dies.

A cool yeti guy shows up and fits right in. Winter’s Favor is his name. Man, that guy is cool. He is so cool. He knows a lot about skiing and he can dance really good too I bet.

We find Svala’s camp two weeks later. As we feared, it’s teeming with undead. Cool yeti guy runs over to a rune-thingy on the ground and starts repairing it but that’s a really bad move ‘cause flesh-eating pilum’gak swarm him and start ripping him to shreds. Arkion spots Svala and Cocaine getting threatened by a zombie and runs up to save the day and do a little face-tanking. Svala’s a dumbass and doesn’t run away when I give her a clear opening – Svala, you nerd!

Elsewhere, Moon and Xamx get into a dizzyingly slow grind against the pilum’gak hordes. After a lot of critical hits and channel energies and attacks of opportunity, we start repairing the ancient rune-thingy. As we do, the pilum’gak slow down a little. Arkion feels deep gratitude that Xamx is a paladin of Sarenrae and knows all sorts of undead horde management techniques.

Ainamuuren, the saumen kar, which is the true name of the cool yeti, helps us complete the rune. We scold Svala for being such a damn nerd, camp for the night at the cursed dig site, and head back south on a grueling month-long victory hike.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] GRAVEYARD OF A BILLION ANTS

Companions: Agda, a She-Dwarf Barbarian | Moonbean, Gnome Kineticist | Davorin Blackridge, Human Generalist Fighter and self-styled quirky Pathfinder R.A. | Ronald Everflame, a Wizard-Guy | and the “War Priestess,” a hilarious and gross tiefling Oni Midwife (seriously, Oracle or something? Weird build).

Venture-Captain Finze Ballaugh hires us to go into the Mwangi Expanse for the benefit of Stu Hundvolksen, a miserable cursed explorer. We will hopefully also find pottery and kill some monsters otherwise this mission just seems super lame. Arkion is a barbarian, not a therapist! Also there are stolen relics from ten years ago, some lame therapy appointment Stu has with a gremlin (gremlins stole the relics after the Umzali killed Stu’s buddies apparently?), and an unfriendly tribe of torturers (the Umzali).

The oni talks to Stu while we’re traveling and he opens up a little about his love of travel and the horrible traumas inflicted on his expedition by the torturer-tribe. Stu is pretty fucked up but Ronald Goodbuddy gets through to him some… Arkion is just enjoying the heat and trying not to think about the time he got lightning bolted by a kobold while he was in the Expanse a few years ago…

We camp in the grasslands. On Arkion and Agda’s watch, right before the dawn, horrible screams startle the campground awake. We are collectively apoplectic, and decide to just ignore what we suspect are Umzali psychological tactics designed to scare off trespassers.

It happens again the next night. The oni spots the source – oddly, it’s a large cat. A mngwa. An evil spirit in local folklore associated with tragedy. Probably haunting Stu. Ronald thinks it has a physical body and it’s weak to sunlight.

We meet Nkechi, an attractive woman, traveling alone, in the monster-filled jungle, through hostile territory... Hmm. We all agreed she was trying to bait us into an Umzali ambush. Ronald sweet-talked her as only Ronald could, however, and instead of leading us to possible certain doom, Nkechi volunteered to help us recover Stu’s manliness from this sad-time jungle of bad memories.

That night, the mngwa attacks, biting Arkion’s leg in a surprise attack. It grapples him with its horrible jaws, and Arkion uses his shiny new spiked gauntlets to punch the shit out of it. Other people help. Not Stu. But yeah, Arkion totally punched a lion to death. As Arkion’s player and creator, I’m just ecstatic, leaning back in my chair and letting these good Tarzan vibes sink in.

The next day, we find one of Stu’s old buddies’ graves. We are overcome with emotion. Ronald aggressively overcompensates and promises to raise her from the dead. Not sure how we’ll accomplish that, but whatever, those problems are for our future selves.

Later, hyenas. We dispatch them with ease.

In the evening, we traverse the foothills of Umzali. Stu seems more fully present. Arkion supposes that it’s a net positive that he went through all that touchy-feely crap at his buddy’s grave.

That night, another mngwa attacks. This time it grapples Stu. We’re ready for it. The camp wakes up and assaults the cat-thing. We all land hits; Moonbean kills it with a fortune cookie launched by a psychic mass driver. We are all in awe. That dude has some highly unpredictable fighting moves.

The next day we find a gremlin hovel built atop a massive anthill. The gremlin is a nuno – a kind of mushroom-man gremlin about a foot tall. The anthill is filled with giant, corrupted bone ants. Bujune Pootoonay, the nuno, is a blustery fellow, and he begins to shoo us away, but we (Ronald, really) talk our way into a scenario whereby (a) Stu gets uncursed, (b) we get to leave peacefully with the lost relics from ten years ago, and (c) we’ll help the little nuno by killing a swarm of bone ants. Win-win-win.

Agda goes first down the ant hole. She isn’t eaten alive, so others follow, and we explore. Ahead, we spy a very large insect, its mound decorated with sticks and oozing ominous vibes. We all run at it with weapons drawn and unleash our wrath upon it. It is glorious!

The bone ant queen explodes in a shower of gore mere seconds after we discover it. Waves of its minions appear, then, only to vanish a second later, consumed by fire, lightning, and whirling blades. We do not relent. We do not forgive. We make a graveyard of a billion ants.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] THE HAO JIN CATACLYSM

Companions: Lucky Strike, an aether kineticist | a Dwarven Cleric of Sarenrae | Rebecca, a human bard | Jango, a Ranger/Rogue | and Moonbean

So, this magical mystical demi-plane exists entirely within a magical mystical tapestry. It’s top secret, very hush-hush, and the Pathfinders are basically the only ones responsible for safeguarding the hundreds of thousands of lives within. So when it gets invaded by demons, it’s our business to literally go save the world.

We need to hit up several “invasion” spots, kill or disrupt whatever evil force we find there, and do it fast. Our strike team preps. We don’t have a lot of time to buff ourselves, so Arkion wastes no time: He uses Craft (Pottery) to barter us up some better gear and rolls a 30. Blam! Maximum benefit from Craft (Pottery)!

Invasion Spot #2: Rats of Round Mountain. We go to find and help Cruella the Ratfolk Druid. In the literally round mountain, we explore a wacky funhouse of twisty caves and face down a DUAL CHUUL ambush! Our poor ranger gets paralyzed by venom and stuffed beneath a boulder to drown. Even so, we best the chuuls and find Cruella. We repair a Reality Rift™ and go.

Invasion Spot #5. Duergar of Slave Mountain. There’s an evil stone. We blow it up and free the slaves. Not before three evil crossbowmen and a BRUTE WIGHT all freak out at our sudden appearance and drop a negative level on Arkion, but still. Is this the work of night hags?

Invasion Spot #5 (Arkion’s math skills are terrible). Patchwork Allies. Our bard rolls a 1 and gets a 29 so that’s really all that needs to be said about this scenario. There are wyvernlings and the mummies of Mumm-Ra and they’re arguing or maybe they’re in love but they have trust issues – who knows?

Rebecca the bard knows, that’s who. She knows all about that shit. She brokers peace like some people tie their shoes. They’re signing treaties and shaking hands before the rest of us even realize there’s a conflict.

So yeah, we’re doing really great. It looks like Astral Forces led by Night Hags were stealing Hao Jin’s water and leaving a wake of vile mindless undead behind them. Typical night hag bullshit, am I right? As we’re packing up, content with the damage we’ve caused and the damage we’ve prevented, the tapestry rips and OH SHIT FUCK IT’S A MAJOR ATTACK FROM THE ASTRAL PLANE!

We use the Pathfinders’ magic to teleport to a forsaken pyramid to fight a vile bodak and a flying mohrg. Very scary stuff. Arkion crits the Mohrg for 156 damage! Woooooo! Personal Best!

We go, then, to the desert. We see flying astral skiffs and ancient ruins. And, suddenly, marsh giants! Big dumb blubbery hag minions. We dispatch them handily. And, even more suddenly, the RUBY PHOENIX RETURNS!

It is a battle for the ages, steeped in ancient lore and filled with ritual significance. The Ruby Phoenix is an ancient wizard who created the tapestry; she’s returned in the form of her phoenix avatar to burn it all to the ground and start fresh (nevermind the gazillions of innocent lives that’ll cost).

The party stands their ground, bloodied as they are, against the avatar of the Ruby Phoenix.

It summons up a wall of fire and nearly incinerates us with is powerful magic. Arkion parkours across a section of crumbling wall and stands at just the right height to smash it with his naginata.

Incensed, the Phoenix flaps it mighty wings and takes off into the sky, blasting the party with yet more arcane fire. Arkion drinks a potion of flying and follows after. The kineticists are doing a bang-up job of bypassing the Phoenix’s natural defenses with their strange witchery, and Arkion is hellbent on positioning himself for a killing blow. His vigor is being burnt away with every passing nanosecond, wreathed as he is in crimson flame, but at last, with what little strength he still possesses, he reaches the Phoenix and strikes!

In the precise moment Arkion swung his blade to slay the Phoenix, the Phoenix used its magic to banish Arkion from the Tapestry. Arkion found himself flying in the desert sky one second, reckless and aflame, and crashing across documents and into a table filled with confused sages and alarmed soldiers in the next.

He demanded to be sent back. He needed to finish the job, to save the others, to slay the great and formidable Ruby Phoenix! But it was not to be.

From their vantage below, Arkion’s companions saw him fly into the Phoenix’s flames and disappear. The Phoenix shrieked but continued to rain fire down upon them. Bloodied, burnt, and nearly beaten, the noble Moonbean summoned the last of his strength and blasted the Ruby Phoenix one final time. It was enough. The creature burst into ash and aether and rained down upon the desert.

They searched the place where the creature’s ashes fell, but found no sign of Arkion. He had courted death, and his reckless advances had been returned. Luckily for him, the gods adore a spectacle. Gorum had spared his life just as Arkion was determined to sacrifice it; the Ruby Phoenix allowed him to be reborn in flame.

Here ends the record of the deeds of Arkion.

Final Fantasy XIV, Part 15 (Last Wednesday Night)

Last Wednesday night, five of the Mighty Owlbears banded together and fought against some elder primals. Sephirot and Sophia were up first. I know these graphics are a bit dated and other people have ooooh'd and aaaah'd over this already, but hey, it's my first time, all right? So I'm gonna slather praise on these gorgeous boss demons. Sick stuff. Check it out.

Truffle, Glock, and Worfina stand strong against Sephirot

And as badass as he was, Sophia just straight up tops him in every sense of the word. Rawr.

We killed the third demon guy, too, but honestly, I wasn't as impressed by him. Just take my word for it that we killed him and saved the world. From there, we went on to explore Alexander - Fist of the Father, and while that's a pretty strange and evocative name on one hand, on the other, it also sounds kinda dumb. But I digress. Screenshots, speak for me!

I'm starting to feel desensitized to how awesome all this stuff is. Remember back in March when I wrote extensively about an NPC I dubbed Evil George Washington? I was positively enchanted by his tricorn hat and sideburns. Now, as I'm looking at all these Voltron robot bosses and hologram mandalas and cities built inside of giant robots, I'm finding myself writing things like, "Yeah, so, this was pretty neat, there were robots and goblins and we just sorta ran in and kicked their asses."

I really wish that some of these dope holograms and robot-bosses would've shown up before I was 300+ hours into this game. Hey, James Fantasy, creator of Final Fantasy XIV, if you're listening? Maybe instead of killing goobbues in one of those random forest zones around level 30, we could've gone inside the hologram manadala thing instead? Would've had more emotional impact. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, after a hard day of adventure, Drippy and Aericka went to her new apartment for a while and hung out. She hasn't got her hot tub installed just yet, but I like her choice of posters and quality table decorum. And she lives near the beach so like, we can just run outside and go for a night swim whenever we want. Really, it was the perfect end to a delightful day.

On that note: It's summer, now, and I'm playing a lot less Final Fantasy than I was when the weather was chilly and the days were short. Other games have grabbed my attention, lately, too, like Sea of Thieves and Hunt: Showdown and, of course, some variety or another of D&D. So, this will likely be my last Final Fantasy update for a while... I still love the game, but like I said above, I can feel myself becoming desensitized to all the awesomeness, and that's simply not what I'm about. Gotta savor it, and not rush through one thing simply to reach another. After all, 

“There are a thousand reasons to live this life, every one of them is sufficient.”

― Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

(For the record, I have no idea who Marilynne Robinson is. I just wanted to end with a snappy highbrow quote. And since I've essentially ruined that now...)

"Oh, do not look at me so. A smile better suits a hero..."

Melvaunt on the Moonsea

An enormous map of the Forgotten Realms

The Moonsea and Environs

Hex Map of the Moonsea (1 hex = 6 miles)

The City of Melvaunt

The docks of Melvaunt on a stormy afternoon

MELVAUNT ON THE MOONSEA

This post is a collection of resources for a sandbox game of 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons set in the Forgotten Realms.

The campaign begins in the city of Melvaunt. Melvaunt is a city of roughly 40,000 people which lay along the north shore of the Moonsea, in northern central Faerun. Melvaunt is a mercantile city, ruled over by a Council of Lords and influenced by several powerful guilds. The noble houses of Melvaunt pay well for skillful, discreet services.

Melvaunt is a city-state. It is allied with nearby Hillsfar and Phlan and at odds with Zhentil Keep. It has a well-trained standing army which it supplements with mercenaries from Hillsfar.

Current Year: 1490 D.R., the Year of the Star Walker’s Return

Current Season: Late Spring

Current Month: Tarsakh | Month 4 

Campaign Start Date: 1st of Tarsakh

LEVEL ADVANCEMENT

Level advancement happens via milestones, with a twist. Since this is a player driven game, you earn milestones for setting goals and accomplishing them. If you don't have a specific goal for your character, that's OK - you benefit equally from helping someone else accomplish theirs. 

Sample Goals

* Build a stronghold

* Lead an army into battle

* Hunt down your brother's assassin and take revenge

* Discover a lost treasure

* Ride a unicorn

* Become enlightened

* Open a bed and breakfast

* Marry into a noble family

* Explore the Bell of the Deep

Making significant progress towards a goal is enough to earn a milestone. Don't worry - You won't be stuck at level 1 until you accomplish a high-level task!

Milestone fragments are a third of a milestone. These are awarded when you accomplish something significant, but not quite worthy of a full milestone. At the DM's discretion, milestone fragments can be awarded for just about anything, but generally speaking, they come from the sort of activities you'd expect from a game of Dungeons & Dragons. They are also a way to move the game along after one of those sessions that feels like a filler episode; yes, nothing happened, but we all had fun talking in silly voices for a couple of hours and that's what counts.

Examples of Activities that Award Milestone Fragments

* Overcoming a challenging combat encounter

* Establishing a relationship with a high-level NPC whose class is the same as yours who is willing to train you in your chosen profession

* Exceptional role-playing

* Buying the deed to a plot of land

* Discovering a treasure map

* Learning significant details about of your brother's assassin

* Making an impassioned plea before the city's zoning board

* Baking the perfect cake

* Getting revenge on that damn manticore for ruining your yard party

If one player gains a milestone or milestone fragment, each other player does as well. Cooperation is the key to success!

INSPIRATION

Inspiration is awarded when a player does something inspired, but not necessarily worthy of a milestone fragment. 1 point of inspiration may be spent to reroll any one die. A character can only bank up to 1 inspiration point. If a character has more than 1 inspiration and they receive a second, they must choose another player to receive the inspiration.

BUYING AND SELLING MAGIC ITEMS

In a place like Melvaunt, the buying and selling of magic items is relatively commonplace, though some goods will be easier to sell than others. 

CRAFTING MAGIC ITEMS

Flutesloot has an excellent breakdown of magic item crafting in 5th Edition. I'll be using it as my primary source. We'll use the crafting rules in Xanthar's Guide to Everything as our default.

There are several shops in Melvaunt that buy and sell magic items. Two of the best known establishments are listed below.

BLACKALBUCK'S SWAP SHOP

[50] Healing Potion: You regain 2d4 + 2 Hit Points when you drink this potion. The potion's red liquid glimmers when agitated.

[450] Greater Healing Potion: You regain 4d4 + 4 Hit Points when you drink this potion. The potion's minty green liquid fizzes when agitated.

[1350] Superior Healing Potion: You regain 8d4 + 8 Hit Points when you drink this potion. This potion is jet black and smells strongly of rotted fruit.

[300] Potion of Cold Resistance: When you drink this potion, you gain cold resistance for one hour. Tastes like blood and cayanne pepper.

[300] Potion of Fire Resistance: As above. Tastes like lemonade.

[300] Potion of Lightning Resistance: As above. Tastes like almonds and cilantro.

[300] Potion of Necrotic Resistance: As above. Tastes like cinnamon.

[2500] Potion of Stone Giant Strength: When you drink this potion, your Strength score changes to 23 for 1 hour. The potion is transparent and flavorless; a stone giant's toenail floats suspended within.

HERMUK'S ALLGOODS

[100 + cost of weapon] Silver weapon.

[500 + cost of weapon] Enchanted weapon (+1). 

[1000 + cost of armor] Enchanted armor (+1). 

Enchanted weapons and armor require a permit from the Melvaunt city guard to purchase. The permit costs 100 g.p. and must be signed by a guardsman ranked Captain or higher.

Hermuk also offers a fair market price for non-consumable magic items: 50 g.p. for common, 500 g.p. for uncommon, and 5000 g.p. for rare. The prices for Very Rare and Legendary items are not listed, as such exceptional treasures must be bought and sold on a case-by-case basis.

Last but not least, there's the matter of where you'll stay. Unless you say otherwise, you're staying at the Safe Harbor.

SAFE HARBOR INN AND TAVERN

The inn is a single story stone-walled building with a large, well-stocked cellar and a cozy fireplace. Accommodations consist of wooden cots with a footlocker in a single large room. The innkeeper is a retired human soldier named Millie Westerling who charges 4 silver pieces an evening for her cots.

BREAKFAST: Dried Mutton and Lentils, Tankard of Cider (7 cp)

LUNCH: Millet Biscuits and Poached Eggs, Mug of Stout (6 cp)

DINNER: Boiled Sausage and Whey Cheese, Glass of Gin (8 cp)

SPELLCASTING SERVICES
Melvaunt is a large city where any acolyte can find a friendly shrine or temple. The following spells are commonly requested and widely available:

Cure wounds (1st level) 10 gp

Identify 20 gp

Lesser restoration 40 gp

Prayer of healing (2nd level) 40 gp

Remove curse 90 gp

Speak with dead 90 gp

Divination 210 gp

Greater restoration 450 gp

Final Fantasy XIV, Part 14 (Checking In)

It's been a fucked up week. Real life is feeling pretty insane right now, so, let's visit Eorzea and check in on our favorite imaginary people, yeah?

Life's settled into a bit of a routine for the Mighty Owlbears. Everyone's finished Heavensward and we're doing Stormblood at our own pace. Worfina's level 74 or so, and Drippy's level 64, and everyone else is somewhere in-between. The frantic energy that propelled us through A Realm Reborn during the early days of the pandemic has abated. The current vibe feels like a lazy afternoon at an amusement park, with individual people strolling around, trying new things, and seeing what clicks for them, then coming together to do raids and challenges on Wednesday nights.

Last Wednesday, we ran a whole series of Trials. Extreme Leviathan gave us some problems, but in the end, Worfina the sole survivor, landed the killing blow and earned some sick bragging rights. Likewise, Truffle and Aericka held out against Sephirot, despite their tanks (Drippy included) all being schlubs and dying way too early.

Some Moogles showed up and offered us all shiny rewards for Irregular Tomestones of Law, so folks were scouring a lot of old content trying to find them. Worf kept complaining about 15 minute queue times as a healer. As a tank, though, I thought it was neat to go back to Aurum Vale and just punch it in the face a few times. And I got a cool goobbue mount for my troubles, so... Tomato, tomato. Huh... That's a turn of phrase that cannot be expressed in text. Neat. Not gonna correct it. Anyway, on to the screenshots:

Aericka's got a hot new haircut and a magical bow that can one-shot a Boeing 747

Drippy flyin' around in a manacutter, bein' all sky piratey

Drippy riding tall on an elbst

Drippy dancing with his doppelganger in Limsa Lomisa's aetheryte plaza

Sexy Rabbit Battle Squad!

Truffle the Dancer, lookin' stylish during a boss-fight

All the bosses in the Void Ark are really into Carpenter Brut

Worfina soloing Leviathan

Running the Praetorium (again)

Lamentations of the Flame Princess – Better than Any Man, part 4

Another round of Lamentations of the Flame Princess, and another crack at Better Than Any Man. Each of us rolled an Elf with roughly similar attributes:

THARCUCCI WINDWEASEL | middle-aged male elf searching for his brother Thilvos
AGAINN WINDWEASEL | elderly male elf with a peg-leg, seeks a bounty for lost Thilvos
ILIPHAR WINDWEASEL | youthful elf with threadbare clothing, seeks any gold he can find

On the trail of his missing brother Thilvos, Tharcucci and his compatriots, all elves of the House Windweasel, trudge through the wilds of old Bavaria.

We find a short-cut across the swamp in the hopes of finding Thilvos. However, as we're trudging our way across this god-awful swamp, we hear an explosion in the distance. How odd. We arrive at the Mound, and see thick smoke pouring forth from the entrance. Did Thilvos pass this way?

"Oh, my God! What was that?" An aging bald tubby human dressed head-to-toe in bizarre finery meets us near the standing stones, flabbergasted and upset.

Tharcucci--"Are you okay? What happened here?"
Man--"Oh, merciful gods! I don't know! I had a feeling the oil would be a problem at some point, but I didn't think someone would bring a lit torch into the ... Who are you? What are you doing out here?"
Tharcucci--"We heard a noise and came to investigate."
Man--"I hope you're not looking for anyone... There are three torched saps in there."

He pulls out a rotted child's head on the end of a rope. He uses it to see in the dark. "What idiots carry torches into a barrow?"

Againn--(unfazed) "Did you live in the Mound?"
Man--"Yes! Far away from prying eyes, for the sake of my experiments! Things men were not meant to know!"
Tharcucci--"You'll be pleased to know that we are not men, then!"
Man--"Hmm, yes, yes. You don't look like you're from around here.

We chat with the man for a time, and learn that Vilibald Schwartz is a necromancer. He's a learned man with absolutely no scruples, but he IS interested in saving his own hide. To that end, he tells us of the Cult of the Insect God, and the threat is promises.

"I know of the cult of the insect god and its rising. I fear, truly fear, they are close to their goal of waking the insect god and bringing an end to mammalian life. Of course, should he awaken, it will mean the death of every human on the planet. Unfortunately, I am powerless to stop it. A rare problem for me to have. Hmm. Ah! I know something that the cultists also know: The god can only rise with the help of a specific ritual, involving a specific item, but it's been lost. I have a solution to this problem, but I need others to do it for me. I'm too valuable to do it myself, you see. I want to send you three back in time to the exact moment when the item disappeared from history, and then, once you learn what happened to it, tell me where it went."

The morning when "The Gem of the Insect" disappeared was July 14, 10,000 B.C.

There's a place nearby called Goblin Hill that's stood as a shrine to the insect god since that long lost date in history. Vilibald warns us that it's exceptionally dangerous, but tells us it's the only way to learn what happened. He hands us a magic scroll, and tells us that if we go to Goblin Hill and read it aloud, we'll spend 3 hours in the past, in whatever Goblin Hill used to be. If we can find the gem there and destroy it, we'll save the world.

We banter back and forth for a while, discussing matters of payment and logistics and possible apprenticeships before coming to the conclusion that, eh, fuck it, we're adventurers! Let's go do the cool thing and save the world!

GOBLIN HILL

It's a big-ass hill. If you lit a fire atop it, you'd be able to see it burning in Hammelburg, Werneck, and Thuntgen. There's a little wood sign on the southern slope that says Velkommen, which we notice as our horses approach it near dusk.

We search for an entrance. It takes some time. 40 feet from the sign, up the hill a bit, is a cave opening obscured by shrubbery and hanging moss. Dead leaves and branches have been piled here to camouflage it.

Swarms of mosquitoes. Ants. Wasps. The earth is writhing with insects. Ugh, gross.

Dozens of slimes. Inside each is a gemstone. Againn walks up to one and pokes it with his spear. The tip sinks in. The ooze doesn't seem to care. Againn pokes more aggressively, hoping to snare the thing, and drags it back into the torchlight. The ooze is still moving; it flops onto the floor like a gross pancake and keeps crawling around.

Tharcucci reaches in and yoinks out the gem. It comes out with a pop and a wheeze. Green gas blows out. It's acidic. Saving throws versus breath weapon, and all Againn pass - but that glove Tharcucci was wearing is wrecked. The gem's worth about 130 s.p.

In another room: Mold. Ew.

Another: A small, naturally occurring spring. The water tastes tingly.

Another: A large black sphere of darkness 50 feet in diameter. Againn shoots an arrow into it. It makes a thwoomp sound as the arrow hits it and ... hits liquid? The arrow is floating. Iliphar fishes it out with a spear.

Another: A dazzling glowing light off to the right. It's dazzling. An entryway. A series of statues depicting human-insect hybrids, all entertwined. The shining light emanates from the eyeholes of each statue. The bugs absolutely swarm this place.

The eyes aren't stone - they're writhing giant firefly larvae.

We're going the right way, at least. We press on through the entryway.

Another room: Giant insect statues. Along the north, ant bee cockroach cricket. Along the south, dragonfly earwig horsefly moth.

Another: Scurrying cockroaches.

Another: 14 columns support a 60' roof. An altar at the far end. Something sparkles on the roof, just out of the range of our light. Upon the altar is an open book. Carvings of wasps and cockroaches along the sides; texture reminiscent of a paper wasp's nest.

Tharcucci casts Read Magic and reveals that this book Summons the Buzzing Demon. He takes it.

There's a door on the east wall. Againn opens it, and finds a room filled with fountains. Barely a trickle of water flows from them. There are places to sit. A cleaning room? Bright butterflies also. Murals of bugs and humans gettin' freaky really tie the room together. Gross.

Tharcucci drinks some of the water. It's fresh.

Another: More of the same, only this time the butterflies swarm us, trying to get inside our mouths. We search it, and find nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sigh.

Ahead, three doors. More choices. We start to clear them one at a time.

Door 1. A sparsely decorated room. Stone table. Skeletal body. A bright gold scarab on a chain around it's "neck." Tharcucci grabs it. 500 s.p.

Door 2. Broken down furniture. A finger-sized jade carving of a caterpillar. Againn takes that one.

Door 3. More busted-ass furniture. Nothing else.

A horsefly the size of a Great Dane attacks us! We loose a volley of arrows at it, but to no avail. It slams into Tharcucci, buzzing angrily as Againn shoots again, hitting it in the eye. Iliphar hits it in its filthy neck with a perfect strike of his sword, and the monster's legs twitch with hydraulic shock as it dies horribly on the cold stone floor.

We make our way to another intersection.

The door to the west looks weird. Insect heads and mystic symbols are carved on the door. Four heads form a square pattern at human chest level; the fifth is at floor level. Againn puts his sword in one of the hand-sized holes in the insect heads' mouth. It taps the back. We look more closely. There's a handle inside each of the mouths. The hole at the bottom has a pedal.

Againn presses the pedal. Thunk, thunk. Something's going on inside the door. We figure out a scheme whereby we pull all the levers simultaneously while Againn presses the pedal down; the door opens. A deep hum comes from behind us.

Deeper than the horseflies. We run into the opened chamber and turn to face our attacker: A giant bee! Fuck. Iliphar manages to one-shot it with a perfectly aimed arrow.

Back to the awful chamber: Oh god it's full of sarcophagi. The central one has a praying mantis motif; there are fifteen others are surrounding it. All covered in insect motifs. Uggh...

Tharcucci pushes it open and there's a large, open space within. No body. Just a void. There's an odd vibrating chirp coming from... somewhere below...

A giant zombie praying mantis the size of a horse pops out, swings with one of its claws, and takes Againn's body apart in a brutal slashing attack. We draw steel and attack, but to no avail. It's over in seconds. Tharcucci's clavicle is rent in a single attack; he goes unconscious from blood loss. Iliphar charges in with a yell, hits the creature, but barely scratches its hide. It crushes his head.

Less than a minute after encountering the elves, the undead mantis scoops up its pray, drags the elves' bodies down into the darkness, and covers the lid on its lair.

Final Fantasy XIV, Part 14 (Two Week Owlbear Diary)

The weather has been getting nicer and the shelter-in-place order in my state has begun to lift, so there's been less Final Fantasy being played lately. I still like compiling these snapshots into posts, though, and I plan to do so for as long as there's something worth writing about.

Saturday, May 16. Heavensward complete! *trumpets and fanfare*

Sunday, May 17. Went out foraging for mushrooms in a rainstorm. Found about ten pounds of pheasantbacks. Ate 'em on toast with some sauteed onions, wild leeks, garlic, and fresh green peppers. Didn't get around to playing Final Fantasy today, but I feel like I leveled up Culinarian in real life.

Drippy and his new friend, a flying laurel goobbue, soar into the midnight sky

Wednesday, May 20. Raid night. We went up against (Extreme) Titan, Ifrit, Shiva, Ramuh, and Bismarck. This might've been the most successful raid night yet. Without a doubt, the highlight was killing Bismarck with an unsynched party of five just to see if we could do it.

We tried the same thing with Ravana and couldn't quite make it happen, so that's on the docket for next week.

Drippy and Truffle check in with the Vath storyteller after yet another fearsome battle with Ravana

Friday, May 22. I've got over well 3,700 screenshots at this point, so here's a few croppings from the Great Gubal Library and the Antitower. No sense in pressing Print Screen compulsively if I never show off the highlights, right?

One of the eldritch guardians of the Great Gubal Library

What a beautiful place.

Some undated things that occurred at some point:

Drippy went back through Haukke Manor with Truffle and Aericka. This time, Truffle was healer, Aericka was tank, and Drippy was DPS. We're all a little wobbly with our off-roles, but that's honestly a lot of fun for me. It's nice to figure out some of those earlier dungeons for ourselves instead of always running with a veteran group. We wiped a few times on the last boss, but eventually we stuck the landing.

Cutter's Cry PUG of the Month

Also, while running Cutter's Cry with the fine group of random individuals pictured above, we wiped on the endboss. I should say, they wiped. Drippy held his own, and managed to down the Chimera after a whole lot of sprinting, potions, and a lot of comboing into Storm's Path. Oh, and of course, party chat spamming go tank go

Growl all you like, kitten, you still got beat

Worfina completed Stormblood and is somewhere around patch 4.3 as of the time of this writing. I'm still doing Heavensward bridge content, right on the verge of Stormblood (3.0). We bookend the Owlbears' progress through this game quite nicely.

I ran the Void Ark last night, and I'm a little in love with it. What an awesome concept - I want to port it into a game of D&D so bad! No spoilers, but I might try to write that and share it on this blog at some future point.

I miss in-person gaming, I really do, but thanks to Discord and some excellent friends, this expedition to Eorzea has been a wonderful journey. There's a lot here to appreciate, and a lot more that I still want to see. Until such a time as Covid-19 is a distant memory, I'll be happy to watch the sun rise over the Sea of Clouds and whisper dang into my headset microphone.