Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Brigandine & Bullshit Playtest - Session 1

KEEP ON THE BORDERLANDS

Bob’s GMing obviously

Willie’s playing DARCY + KAGE (Warrior + Thief)

I’m playing VERNER + ZASSOS (Cleric + Magic-User)

Dakota’s playing BURT + GYORN (Warriors)

Somewhere in the nation of Lyturk – right along the edge, in fact – lay the Keep on the Borderlands. We’ve come to explore the nearby Caves of Chaos along with twenty-five or so folks as part of a caravan.  We introduce ourselves and make small talk, discussing our plans for the days ahead.

Rumors.

1. Entryway to the lair of a great lich, who knew the secrets of life and death. Ancient scrolls worth thousands of gold! (Zassos)

2. A great maggot lives in the ground, and its milk can grant everlasting life. (Verner)

3. A well-paying, anonymous stranger said someone was planning to build another set of fortifications out here. That would end poorly for some local nobles whose lands would be seized by the king, should the king decide to go through with this… Wealthy. Local. Nobles. (Burt)

4. There’re good heavy oaks out here in the wilderness. You can make a ton of money chopping down trees and selling the hardwood. Some of those trees might be part of druidic groves, though. (Gyorn)

5. The Keep is well-known as a place for would-be adventurers to make a living. There are constant issues with monsters, especially this close to the river. Plenty of monsters to fight for a bounty! (Darcy & Kage)

 

Gyorn meets an old friend, a blacksmith, whom he remembers from his time serving in the Legion. His friend tells him that some orcs attacked a caravan recently and stole a real quantity of steel. He’d pay well for its return. He suspects that the orcs came from the Caves of Chaos.

 

“Ill tell ya what,” the blacksmith says. “The Innkeeper, old Johan, owes me a favor. How’s this sound: I can guarantee you and your compatriots a full three weeks room and board if you get my steel back. Help you get started out here. And some extra gold, of course. Not gonna leave you hangin’ without any money. How’s this sound: I’ll give you and everyone who comes back 100 gold apiece if you bring back the bar stock? Sound fair?”

 

We say yes, that sounds eminently fair. We are overjoyed to envision the blacksmith shaking down the child he paid 2 gold coins to post his job offering for him, now that we’ve accepted it.

 

We check out the other buildings, and we’re fairly impressed. Some of the guards carry magic weapons. Some of the traders’ goods are blades proof marked from the forges of Zazu; good Hyperborean steel. Smoked meats in the tavern. A windowless guild hall with a secret knock required to get in. (Zassos writes down the knock). This place is intriguing.

 

Lord Grundy rules the keep. He’s a war hero from a 20-year-old conflict, and now he’s a castellan. The Keep’s rules forbid walking around with weapons untied or casting spells within the walls, and they punish folk with exile or hanging, generally.

 

At the tavern, we notice that they’re serving fruit that’s out of season, but it’s remarkably fresh. It’s noteworthy, as we suspect druidic magic. The bark tea is piney and delightful. Burt smokes his pipe. Darcy eats a nice meal of roast pheasant and pudding. It’s a fine night.

 

We notice a couple odd folks in the tavern…

A skunk-trapper. A fur-covered man with 15 wooden mugs containing various drinks. He smells like a dead animal.

There are a pair of staffed and hooded long-bearded wizard or druid types speaking in hushed tones over some sort of parchment in the corner, glancing at everyone furtively.

A swaggering caravan-master who seems quite content to sit in the corner and smoke.

 

Kage looks over at the wizards, and strolls past nonchalantly… (THIEF ABILITY) He notices a strange drawing of a standing stone with a tree and an eye and a fang drawn over it. It’s in a language he doesn’t comprehend, but it’s very interesting.

 

Zassos and Verner believe the language might be Druidic. The standing stone is telling – we’re not sure what it’s about, but runestones aren’t uncommon in the wilds. In some places, they’re not uncommon in towns. But we’re not aware of any nearby rune stones. Why these two men out in the middle of nowhere would be so furiously talking about this – and under such secrecy – raises a lot more questions.

 

But we decide those questions will need to be answered another time. We decide to retire early, get a good night’s sleep, and prepare for tomorrow’s expedition.

 

The next morning, we set off for the Caves of Chaos! But not until after breakfast. We wake up with some wine and some small beer, a bit of bark tea, and a plate full of eggs. Then we gather our gear and head out.

 

The Caves of Chaos are only about two miles down the road. We make our way to the first cave on the northern part of the ravine, and immediately spot the remains of the caravan the orcs sacked.

 


Inside. Darkness. Zassos lights a lantern. We see heads on spikes. Darkness coming from the left (west), so we go west. It lights up pretty damn far into the room on the right as well, and reveals quite the cave complex. We hear guttural language, and orcs approach us quickly. A fight!

 

Zassos throws a dagger and it connects with a burly orc, but it bounces off his armor. An orc chucks a spear at Gyorn, and impales him for 6 damage! Ouch! Burt responds with a 1+6+6 and rolls 9 damage, slaying the vile creature. We ask: Can you use POA on ranged weapons and on melee weapons on the same round?

 

Gyorn has a reach weapon (pike), and Darcy’s in melee, and since they both have heavy armor, they roll really hot and send this orc on a one-way trip to Fucked City. Darcy does 9 damage and Gyorn does 3. The orc dies.

 

Zassos moves so that his compatriots can reform their ranks. We ask: Can we move through friendlies? We say yes. Kage moves in and fills the gap left by Zassos, so he can use his bow next turn. Burt rolls hot, uses his Points of Advantage to get 2 spite and a hit, and kills another orc. Darcy goes apeshit and gets 6+6+6 and deals 21 damage to the poor little bastard.

 

We learn, definitively, that three level 3 characters can beat up four level 1 orcs.

 

From further down the hall, we hear sounds of panic, and the orcs cry out that the hobgoblins are attacking again! (Zassos knows Orcish). They sound the alarm, and another wave of orcs crashes into us.

 


They’re armed with handaxes and swords. I took screenshots to describe our movement, because there are a fuckton of orcs. Essentially, the warriors are rolling their full dice allotment and killing an orc every turn, and everyone else is moving into an advantageous tactical position and waiting for an opportunity.

 

Zassos starts casting a Fireball spell. We ask: Do allies grant cover? Bob says: Underground, they do.

Does a bow do spite damage on 1 or 2? Bob says: No, even though it’s a 2 handed weapon.

 

The Warriors have a really stellar turn and manage to straight-up nuke some orcs just using their Spite damage. It’s beautiful to watch.

 




Zassos’s Fireball goes off, killing the target and singing several orcs, but it’s more of a frag grenade than a supernova. A couple orcs die horribly, a couple take a bit of concussive force, and one or two are just fine. Naturally, when Zassos initiative comes up again, he declares he’s casting another Fireball.

 

Darcy “tags” an orc with 12” of wood and steel, and… yeah, he dies.

 

Darcy and Gyorn each get in with their two-handed weapons and, once again, murder an orc entirely with Spite.

 

Gyorn: “I won’t roll a die. You’ll just take 5 damage.”

 

Zassos’ second fireball kills two more orcs and throws a Spite damage on the last remaining orc warrior. That last remaining orc falls quicky to Gyorn and Darcy’s combined assault, and in about 2 minutes, we’ve slain a dozen of the filthy creatures. Victory!

 

We explore the big ol’ room in front of us. We encounter 18 female orcs and 9 young’ns cowering in the north-west corner. There’s also a cowardly old orc who rang the alarm bell. Zassos gives them a chastising speech, telling them that this only happened to them because they stole from the Keep on the Borderlands before telling them all to skedaddle and never come back. He asks for the name of the orcs’ leader, and where he might be found, and they say:

 

“Kargrak. Up the tunnel, that way!”

 

Before they exit the caves in a panic.

 

We stealthily approach a chamber wherein we suspect Kargark to be holed up. There’s a rope loop on the door, and voices whispering from the other side. Burt does a 3-2-1 and bursts open the door, revealing a big nasty brute and a pair of warriors, as well as their panicking orc-wives.

 

Zassos throws a bucket full of butterfly knives and slays one of the armored orcs. Verner moves to make room for better combatants; Kage trains his bow on an unopened door, just in case. Burt holds his ground in the entryway, and whom we assume to be Kargark moves to confront him. Darcy pulls out her javelins and gets ready for an ambush or the sounds of horrible human death up ahead.


Kargark rolls 4 dice and gets 1 hit on Burt. Burt rolls 3 dice and gets 1 strike, and Gyorn rolls and hits 3 times. Gyorn’s dice are hot, and he gets 18 damage on Kargark with a beautiful strike, felling him instantly. VICTORY!

 

There’s one more room to search, and piled along the north wall are bars and bars and bars of steel ingots. Wow. That entire wagon must’ve been full of this stuff. This’ll take a couple of trips at least, and there are weapons here. 3 shields, 17 spears, and 2 battleaxes in excellent condition and in excellent quality. Nonmagical, but there’s a crossbow and 60 bolts here, too. Crates and clothing and stuff here, too, but none of it is as dope as the steel stock.

 

Kargark had a cool mace, and when Darcy picks it up, she’s like, WHOA, it’s a +1 mace! A +1 mace provides +1 Point of Advantage in this system, which is neat. We also find some gold and silver pieces, and a ring as well. The ring’s got a finely cut gem in it, and it’s probably worth a couple hundred gold crowns. Neato.

 

Kage runs back to the Keep and fetches a horse, then rides it out, and we’re able to bring back the steel using the remains of the beat-up, battle-damaged wagon that it was stolen from. Woo-hoo! Once we bring back the goods, we find the blacksmith – whose name is Mark – and he pays us all a bunch of money and we live happily ever after, or at least until next Tuesday.


Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Final Fantasy XIV, part 16 (The Winds of Winter)

 

The winds of winter blow cold, and once more I return to Eorzea. What’s changed?

Flying mounts work in A Realm Reborn now, which is dope. It’s a whole new world to explore.

The Owlbears bought a Guild Hall or whatever you call it, a Free Company mansion, and they also bought a submarine and an airship, because of course they did

I apparently had 1.8 million gil just hangin’ out in the bank. My retainers did good at the auction house while I was gone!

Not gonna lie, logging in Limsa Lomisa after taking six months off was like logging in again for the first time. I couldn’t parse anything. Absolute chaos. But at least I’m a 65th level Warrior now. I don’t have to kill six Ladybugs or whatever before I can “axe attack,” I can slap my keyboard like I’m playing the bongos and watch as my enemies melt.

 Picking up where I left off, the Main Story Quest had me playing tag with a cute little kobold, which was silly and light hearted and had me thinking, “Oh, ok, this isn’t so complex.” And then the game said, “Now, go fight Titan on Hard,” which, wow, that’s a rough way to come back. Oh, and on top of that, the cute game of kobold hide-and-seek led to a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking story about the agony of grief that I simply did not see coming. 




I mean, it was a very good story, but when you’re expecting a sip of citrus soda and you get a mouthful of dark lager instead, it causes something of an adverse reaction. 

So, I decided I already need a break from the Main Story Quest and spent the rest of the session decorating my house. The group’s down to Aericka, Glock, Truffle, and Worfina; everyone was on but Truffle, so naturally, we spent about half-an-hour fucking around with the group pose features. Oh, yeah: 

● Screenshots didn’t just get an update, they got cosmetic surgery and an inheritance check.

 This is so dumb, I fucking love it.



That Vanu Vanu is Glock, who is a legend on Goblin now. He's kept busy. Level 80 across the board in all crafting classes, which blows my mind.  Once I finish leveling up Interior Decorator to 80, I'm gonna hafta try Carpentry again. I mean, I think I started off at 70: Look at this phenomenal interior:


C'est chique. GoD dAmN I <3 FiNaL FaNtAsY hahaha

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

November Snows

This has surely been a strange and ominous year. In the midst of it, though, I've had a chance to play some games: Let's reflect! I've written about

Chainmail
Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition
Final Fantasy XIV
Forbidden Lands
Lamentations of the Flame Princess
Pathfinder
Savage Worlds
Starfinder
Swords & Wizardry

On this blog, and I've also had an opportunity to get into:

De Bellis Antiquitatis (DBA)
Frostgrave
Saga: Age of Magic
Saga: Age of Vikings
Warhammer 40,000

Plus a few scattered board games and video games here and there.

Crusader Kings III
Darkest Dungeon
Neverwinter Nights Enhanced Edition
Sea of Thieves
Terraria

Not too shabby. And if the world outside my walls is going to be plague-ridden forever, well, I'm excited to find out what games I'll play in 2021. Until my comeuppance arrives, Masque of the Red Death-style, I will keep rolling dice with my fellow survivors. Yes, 90% of our interactions are online-only. Yes, I've painted a silly number of minis this year for Warhammer and other minis games, in the vain hope that someday the plague will end, and others may finally see them. Yes, I'm going to show them off. Scroll down.

My current schedule of game projects looks like:

Running a Swords & Wizardry Campaign on Tuesdays
Running a 5th Ed. Dungeons & Dragons campaign on Thursdays
Playing in three different 5th Ed. Dungeons & Dragons campaigns on dates TBD.
All via Roll20 + Discord, naturally. Social distancing and being a responsible human being and all that.

Which is honestly more-than-enough to keep me entertained.

As the snows hit, and the hibernation instinct sets in once more, let's reflect on a solid year of gaming, yeah?



Saga: Age of Vikings. A game best played outdoors in the Fall, with plenty of Oktoberfest.









Some of my Frostgrave roster.


Our motley band of heroes from our Curse of the Pearl campaign (minus our warlock ofc)


The World Map from Curse of the Pearl.


Some Swords + Wizardry Treasures.


Mythic Battles Pantheon! I almost forgot. A perfect one-a-year draft game, imo!






And last but not least, some chunky polygons from Neverwinter Nights: Shadows of Undrentide, which vaguely resemble the elf and dwarf waifu tag team of my dreams, haha








Monday, September 28, 2020

Swords & Wizardry Links, Maps, and More

A collection of resources for my Tuesday night Swords & Wizardry campaign on Roll20.

SWORDS AND WIZARDRY SRD
https://www.d20swsrd.com/

THE S&W COMPANION [extra classes and additional rules]
http://swcompanion.wikidot.com/resources

PRINCIPIA APOCRYPHA [old-school game theory]
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rN5w4-azTq3Kbn0Yvk9nfqQhwQ1R5by1/view

CALENDAR [restore .json file to keep track]
https://donjon.bin.sh/fantasy/calendar/


Map of the Continent of Old Pendene, circa 5586

Ulver (1 hex = 16 miles)

Hellmarsh Environs (1 hex = 1 mile)

Old Pendene compared to North America. Ulver is roughly the same area as Delaware.


DUNGEONS EXPLORED

Quest for the Murder Sword [OPDC 2018, Johan Nohr]
The Pit of Poison [https://donjon.bin.sh/m20/dungeon/]
Hellmarsh Monastery [OPDC 2012, Andrés Cuesta]
The Abandoned Bastion [Rappan Athuk by Frog God Games]
The Temple of Blood and Wine [OPDC 2014, Aljoscha Krawulsky]
Mount Zorgoth [OPDC 2018, Nate Treme]

Monday, July 20, 2020

Nostalgia Trip - My 1st Edition Pathfinder Society Barbarian


PATHFINDER SOCIETY BARBARIAN 163880-1
A RECORD OF THE DEEDS OF ARKION

Arkion of Numeria | Chaotic Neutral Male Human (Kellid) Barbarian (Superstitious) 6 / Fighter 2
Deity: Gorum | Occupation: Potter | Age: 30 | Languages: Common, Hallit, Orc
STR 18 | DEX 10 | CON 16 | INT 13 | WIS 14 | CHA 10

Born in the slums of Starfall in Numeria, Arkion's rough childhood taught him how to survive, how to fight, and how to mistrust. At the age of fourteen, he slew six Kellid elders who sacrificed his sister to Rogavug during a ritual meant to appease the Rough Beast. Two of these elders were sorcerers in the Technic League, which meant as long as the Black Sovereign ruled, Arkion would be seen as a criminal. Arkion left Starfall and Numeria, and has traveled Golarion as a vagabond ever since.

[VARIOUS GAME STORES IN UTAH 2015] EARLY CAREER
Arkion traveled to far distant jungle lands with a small band of Pathfinders in search of some sort of mystic key. Although the key was never recovered, the Pathfinders did manage to defeat a band of kobold raiders who were kidnapping and sacrificing villagers to their nameless reptilian gods. Arkion even took a lightning bolt to the heart during a battle with their shaman. He lived, praise Gorum, but the kobold who called the lightning did not.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2017]
Two years later, a slightly wiser Arkion traveled to Tien, again on Pathfinder business. He looted a masterwork naginata from the ruined estate of an old military officer, learning to use it almost instinctively. He also befriended the gnome kineticist Moonbean. His time in Tien was productive – he discovered an ancient treasure map, fought a ghost panda and a pair of fireworks demons, and even made contact with the spirit of a long-dead princess. Not only that, but he learned Jade Ogre kick fighting and developed an appreciation for Tien pottery. Arkion went to Tien looking a forbidden city full of ghosts and treasure, but what he really found was himself.

[THE GAMING GOAT, ST. PAUL]
Arkion then traveled to Absalom, the city at the heart of the world, and visited the Blakros Museum. While there, Arkion helped a flustered museum curator find his absent co-worker (recently slain by something in the pottery wing—how embarrassing!) and killed a merrow and exorcised some unfriendly ghosts. There are lots of gnomes in Absalom, it seems. This one gnome, Quinn, fought with a hook hammer on a long pole and always swept the legs of her enemies with the hook before crushing their skulls with the hammer. Arkion was impressed and took a liking to her. All in all, it was a fine vacation.

[THE GAMING GOAT, EAGAN—THE SOLSTICE SCAR]
Arkion then helped thwart an outright assault on the Blakros Museum by, of all people, Numerian cultists of Vildeis. Turns out the curator had shadily acquired some sacred Numerian artifacts which very much belonged to the cult. Furthermore, one of those artifacts was needed to stop an otherworldly Big Bad from returning to Glarion on the coming Solstice with his skeleton army in tow. The Pathfinder Society was on board with sending Arkion and his pals to the Realm of the Mammoth Lords so he could help the Numerians thwart the big bad, so they went there and did that. There was a whole epic scene where they convinced three barbarian tribes to put aside their differences and fight together as one, and this amazing moment when the Cleave feat actually worked perfectly, but the whole thing felt like overkill when the skeleton army turned out to be a dozen skeletons and the big bad was a really big crawling claw. Arkion, embarrassed, decided to take some time off after that, wintering with the orcs and really making some time to get into ceramics.

He also commissioned the orcs to make him a cold iron naginata, because seriously, how badass are cold iron orc-crafted naginatas? Totally badass. That’s your answer.

[THE SOURCE]
A venture captain’s letter passive-aggressively insisted that Arkion go do a training exercise in the Red Redoubt, which, of course, turned into a whole adventure. Arkion slew a malfunctioning robot and befriended a snake-man and an android. He also found a working medlance. Medlances are odd Numerian technology. In practice, they’re something like an armored hypodermic needle that can be used to inject potions, elixirs, mutagens, what-have-you, directly into the bloodstream. This medlance would, sometime later, save Arkion’s life and the lives of his companions. Overall, the Red Redoubt was a successful team building exercise. Whatever you gotta do to keep your Society membership current, y’know?

[FANTASY FLIGHT, FEB 1, 2018]
At the behest of the Grand Lodge, Arkion left the cold north for Riddleport, a city of sailors and scoundrels. The travel was difficult and his companions were tiresome – a bard who failed to be entertaining dominated the group, and an elf who constantly prattled about moral philosophy soon drove Arkion to disgruntled silence. Only the young warrior Kaiaphas, also beholden to the Great Lodge, seemed to have the right idea about Riddleport: That it was a slum full of violent bandits who understand only strength.

Arkion’s primary task was to recover a book on Azlanti ruins written (and not yet published) by an Azlanti scholar. This task he accomplished handily, breaking into the pirate-held warehouse where the scholar was held and murdering her captors. The weakling elf and cowardly bard helped in what minor capacity they could manage, but only Arkion and Kaiaphas’ mastery of steel made any difference that day. The grateful scholar was returned to her community, and she shared her work with the Lodge.

One of her captors was kept alive and interrogated. The dread pirate Aleja, a vishkanya, had also captured a prominent scholar from Tien. We followed her trail…

It first took us to the docks where some ruffian paymasters scuffled with us over gold owed to the bandits we’d just slain. The names the interrogated bandit gave us – Jest, Kumquat, and Human Number Three – may have been false ones. Regardless, we killed the paymasters and took our spoils of pirate gold. Also, Cleave was relevant!

Then it was on to the Lionfish, one of Aleja’s boats. We hired a dwarf to take us to where it lay docked in Riddleport harbor, then used rope and grapples to climb from the dwarf’s small boat up the side of the Lionfish. Our luck soured. Only Arkion was strong enough to make the climb on his first attempt, leaving him surrounded by Aleja’s pirate crew. Kaiaphas came up next, but an alchemist under Aleja’s employ threw bombs of acid at the dwarf’s boat, and the elf and bard were frightened off the climb. Although Arkion and Kaiaphas fought bravely, they were sorely outnumbered and wounded. The bard, at long last, worked a healing cantrip into Arkion’s wounds and stopped his profuse bleeding. Arkion then drank an Elixir of Life looted from the Red Redoubt and, all of Gorum’s fury welling up in him, hacked and cleaved his way through the remaining pirates.

Seriously, we couldn’t roll higher than a 4 on a d20 and it was nearly a TPK. The guy playing the bard was so useless that I’m almost mad he got to heal me.

After the massacre aboard the Lionfish, Arkion and his companions gleaned enough knowledge from the captains’ correspondence to learn where Aleja was keeping the kidnapped Tien scholar. We spent the night recovering from battle, healed ourselves with magic and ale, and contracted the dwarf again to sail us to Aleja’s hideout.

Once inside the musty shoreline cave, we soon found evidence of a camp. We slew some rabid guard dogs and found Aleja herself with a knife to the Tien scholar’s throat, hissing at him, “Do you know what I am going to do with you?”

Arkion interjected, “Do you know what I’m going to do with you, Aleja?” The vishkanya pirate began monologuing a negotiation for her escape, but it of no consequence—Arkion marched forward and split her in half with a single strike of his naginata. (x4 crit for 63 damage! Wooooo!) Aleja’s accomplices died seconds later. The scholar freed, Arkion and his companions returned to Riddleport, satisfied with their butchery.

[THE HALFLIGHT PATH – CON OF THE NORTH]
Soon after the Riddleport excursion, Arkion traveled to Kaer Maga to help the Dusk Wardens investigate disturbances and disappearances along the Halflight Path. A bard (a different bard), an inquisitor of Sarenrae, and a tengu rogue all came along and proved themselves to be useful companions.

In Kaer Maga, a troll oracle read her own entrails and divined the location of the recent disturbances we were hired to investigate.With the blessing (and writ, and payment) of the golem-crafters who hired us, we descended into the vaults.

A drak creeper attacked us almost immediately. The inquisitor was almost slain outright, but Arkion’s belligerent chopping and hot dice saved the day. Cultists of Azathoth had set up a strange crystal garden in the lightless deep, and those crystals, originally from the far off planet Eox, proved quite hazardous. Arkion nearly lost his mind when the crystals began to sing, and chopped at the bard when he became convinced she was a robot. Luckily, some quick thinking by the others separated Arkion from the group until he could regain his mind, and tragedy was avoided . Our fight against the cultists happened by accident. We stumbled upon them in the dark, and after a spell battle (two webs, a fireball trap, hold person, and a touch-and-go color spray) we left them dead and returned to Kaer Maga for our reward.

Arkion commissioned an adamantine greatsword and a suit of mithril plate armor from the golemancers of Kaer Maga. The words he would later use to describe them were, respectively, ‘unstoppable’ and ‘exquisite.’

 [SOLSTICE SCAR B – CON OF THE NORTH]
Arkion traveled back to the lands of the Mammoth Lords after his time in Kaer Maga. He missed the cold wind and the life of the honest barbarian. The Numerian warrior Meddis, however, had different plans. Once again the portal was open, and the tribes called together to fight agains the skeleton army.

Arkion re-met Moonbean the kineticist, traveling alongside a pair of worthless spellcasters and a druid who could shapeshift into a dinosaur. Together with a hoard of other Pathfinders, they waged war against a formidable tide of the undead. There really was a skeleton army on the other side of that crazy old portal! How exciting!

Arkion was nearly slain by a rage wight in a dramatic showdown – he, like He-Man, ran weapon-first and screaming at Skeletor, was parried, stabbed repeatedly, and nearly devoured by swirling unholy energies. He was at death’s door when a tyrannosaur bent down and bit the wight in half, saving Arkion’s life. The t-rex then offered Arkion a ride, and he rode to the Pathfinder encampment thus, reveling in his triumph.

Later, once an attack-force of exiled shades and shadows had been dealt with and the rage-wight’s wounds had been healed with magic, the Pathfinders, reveling in their triumph against the Big Bad and his skeleton army, heard rumors of a marauding tribe of kobolds in service to an evil white dragon.

As we must in such situations, we made war upon the tribe. Our shitty spellcasters took forever to take their turns though, so we didn’t really get to enjoy any of it. I mean, um, Arkion, still weak from his injuries, volunteered to act as a scout, slaying only a small patrol of the creatures before helping himself to a share of the white dragons’ hoard.

[DREAMER’S VAULT BURNSVILLE – TIME OF RIGHTEOUS REPOSE]
Some time later, Arkion and Moonbean discovered rumors of an ancient tomb filled with treasures and probably ghosts. They made plans to go explore it with the paladin Bree’am and the witch Feiya, but Arkion missed the scheduled departure date and didn’t catch up with them until they’d already done all the actual scouting and ground work.

They’d also acquired a sexy Tien ninja who kept making horrible dad jokes and was actually just terrible company, truth be told. Arkion felt conflicted. Being late meant that the others had done all the boring brain work, which was good. But would they have brought along the obnoxious ninja if he’d been punctual? Actually, yes, they probably would.

Scouting the tomb and liberating its treasures was refreshingly straightforward work. They slew a bodak, fought a bound celestial chimera, got ambushed by a vampire, placated wraiths with a spell of sunlight, straight up murdered a bunch of psychic phantoms, and crushed a golem into handfuls of enchanted rock dust. A very workmanlike expedition to be sure. Arkion decided to spend some looted gold on an enchanter—fighting incorporeal creatures is a pain in the ass when you’re reliant solely on brute strength and good looks. Thus, his trusty naginata became a +1 ghost touch naginata.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] DEATH FRIENDSHIP ON THE ICE
Companions: Xemx Daystar, Dhampir Paladin 9 | Moonbean, Gnome Kineticist 7

Svala is missing. She’s lost somewhere in the White Fang Peninsula. Svala is an Erutaki scholar and a skilled linguist. She found ruins in northern Avistan overrun with blackfrost contamination, whatever that means. Cocaine, the snow owl, is Svala’s messenger companion; it brings us notes from Svala, Ulfen translations, and, to make a long story short, the Grand Lodge is worried about her and will pay us to go rescue her from her camp in the frigid nowhere.

We sail to the White Fang Peninsula. Te’Casa and her Erutaki come out to escort us to the village, and an orca comes up to our canoe, tips it over, and fuckin’ tail flips Arkion into the air like a seal-snack. Moonbean electrocutes it and nobody gets eaten, but Te’Casa is pissy that we didn’t respect the whale’s boundaries or some dumb hippie bullshit.

Some Ulfen merchants help us out after the Erutaki give us a cold reception. They trade us sleds and supplies to get to Skala’s camp (mostly ‘cause Xemx is an Ulfen Guard – who knew?).

We finagle an audience with the Erutaki elder and show her Cocaine’s book of Svala’s notes. This is what Arkion wrote down after the encounter:

PLANT, HUMAN, ANIMAL, SPIRIT – FOUR WORLDS
MALU’AMUK, PILUM’GAK VILLAGE
POISON FROM BEFORE THE WORLD WAS MADE
NUN’GA, FLESH EATERS, DANCED WITH THE AURORA
SPIRITS SENT WINTER’S FAVOR TO COVER THE PILUM’GAK IN SNOW

The elder gives us a wand of ice shape with 22 charges and tells us to go re-seal the pilum’gak that Svala the schola probably unwittingly released from their supernatural snow-tombs. She gives us a campfire bead and a wand of endure elements, too, so that’s pretty decent. Te’Casa even volunteers to come along as a guide. We’re lukewarm about that whole situation. The orca-baiting thing, and then fight-shaming us for being badasses? It was pretty embittering.

Twelve days out on the journey, we’ve been killin’ it on Survival checks, and then OH SHIT it’s Ulu’mamuk’tu, a goddamn man-eating polar bear. Te’Casa resists the urge to fight-shame us and we get to fightin’ the bear. Arkion gets grabbed and grappled, Moonbean electrocutes the bear, and Xemx heals us both up after the battle. A nice straightforward brute battle. No level drains, no Diplomacy checks, just a solid session of thwacking one another until somebody dies.

A cool yeti guy shows up and fits right in. Winter’s Favor is his name. Man, that guy is cool. He is so cool. He knows a lot about skiing and he can dance really good too I bet.

We find Svala’s camp two weeks later. As we feared, it’s teeming with undead. Cool yeti guy runs over to a rune-thingy on the ground and starts repairing it but that’s a really bad move ‘cause flesh-eating pilum’gak swarm him and start ripping him to shreds. Arkion spots Svala and Cocaine getting threatened by a zombie and runs up to save the day and do a little face-tanking. Svala’s a dumbass and doesn’t run away when I give her a clear opening – Svala, you nerd!

Elsewhere, Moon and Xamx get into a dizzyingly slow grind against the pilum’gak hordes. After a lot of critical hits and channel energies and attacks of opportunity, we start repairing the ancient rune-thingy. As we do, the pilum’gak slow down a little. Arkion feels deep gratitude that Xamx is a paladin of Sarenrae and knows all sorts of undead horde management techniques.

Ainamuuren, the saumen kar, which is the true name of the cool yeti, helps us complete the rune. We scold Svala for being such a damn nerd, camp for the night at the cursed dig site, and head back south on a grueling month-long victory hike.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] GRAVEYARD OF A BILLION ANTS
Companions: Agda, a She-Dwarf Barbarian | Moonbean, Gnome Kineticist | Davorin Blackridge, Human Generalist Fighter and self-styled quirky Pathfinder R.A. | Ronald Everflame, a Wizard-Guy | and the “War Priestess,” a hilarious and gross tiefling Oni Midwife (seriously, Oracle or something? Weird build).

Venture-Captain Finze Ballaugh hires us to go into the Mwangi Expanse for the benefit of Stu Hundvolksen, a miserable cursed explorer. We will hopefully also find pottery and kill some monsters otherwise this mission just seems super lame. Arkion is a barbarian, not a therapist! Also there are stolen relics from ten years ago, some lame therapy appointment Stu has with a gremlin (gremlins stole the relics after the Umzali killed Stu’s buddies apparently?), and an unfriendly tribe of torturers (the Umzali).

The oni talks to Stu while we’re traveling and he opens up a little about his love of travel and the horrible traumas inflicted on his expedition by the torturer-tribe. Stu is pretty fucked up but Ronald Goodbuddy gets through to him some… Arkion is just enjoying the heat and trying not to think about the time he got lightning bolted by a kobold while he was in the Expanse a few years ago…

We camp in the grasslands. On Arkion and Agda’s watch, right before the dawn, horrible screams startle the campground awake. We are collectively apoplectic, and decide to just ignore what we suspect are Umzali psychological tactics designed to scare off trespassers.

It happens again the next night. The oni spots the source – oddly, it’s a large cat. A mngwa. An evil spirit in local folklore associated with tragedy. Probably haunting Stu. Ronald thinks it has a physical body and it’s weak to sunlight.

We meet Nkechi, an attractive woman, traveling alone, in the monster-filled jungle, through hostile territory... Hmm. We all agreed she was trying to bait us into an Umzali ambush. Ronald sweet-talked her as only Ronald could, however, and instead of leading us to possible certain doom, Nkechi volunteered to help us recover Stu’s manliness from this sad-time jungle of bad memories.

That night, the mngwa attacks, biting Arkion’s leg in a surprise attack. It grapples him with its horrible jaws, and Arkion uses his shiny new spiked gauntlets to punch the shit out of it. Other people help. Not Stu. But yeah, Arkion totally punched a lion to death. As Arkion’s player and creator, I’m just ecstatic, leaning back in my chair and letting these good Tarzan vibes sink in.

The next day, we find one of Stu’s old buddies’ graves. We are overcome with emotion. Ronald aggressively overcompensates and promises to raise her from the dead. Not sure how we’ll accomplish that, but whatever, those problems are for our future selves.

Later, hyenas. We dispatch them with ease.

In the evening, we traverse the foothills of Umzali. Stu seems more fully present. Arkion supposes that it’s a net positive that he went through all that touchy-feely crap at his buddy’s grave.

That night, another mngwa attacks. This time it grapples Stu. We’re ready for it. The camp wakes up and assaults the cat-thing. We all land hits; Moonbean kills it with a fortune cookie launched by a psychic mass driver. We are all in awe. That dude has some highly unpredictable fighting moves.

The next day we find a gremlin hovel built atop a massive anthill. The gremlin is a nuno – a kind of mushroom-man gremlin about a foot tall. The anthill is filled with giant, corrupted bone ants. Bujune Pootoonay, the nuno, is a blustery fellow, and he begins to shoo us away, but we (Ronald, really) talk our way into a scenario whereby (a) Stu gets uncursed, (b) we get to leave peacefully with the lost relics from ten years ago, and (c) we’ll help the little nuno by killing a swarm of bone ants. Win-win-win.

Agda goes first down the ant hole. She isn’t eaten alive, so others follow, and we explore. Ahead, we spy a very large insect, its mound decorated with sticks and oozing ominous vibes. We all run at it with weapons drawn and unleash our wrath upon it. It is glorious!

The bone ant queen explodes in a shower of gore mere seconds after we discover it. Waves of its minions appear, then, only to vanish a second later, consumed by fire, lightning, and whirling blades. We do not relent. We do not forgive. We make a graveyard of a billion ants.

[FANTASY FLIGHT, SKALCON 2018] THE HAO JIN CATACLYSM
Companions: Lucky Strike, an aether kineticist | a Dwarven Cleric of Sarenrae | Rebecca, a human bard | Jango, a Ranger/Rogue | and Moonbean

So, this magical mystical demi-plane exists entirely within a magical mystical tapestry. It’s top secret, very hush-hush, and the Pathfinders are basically the only ones responsible for safeguarding the hundreds of thousands of lives within. So when it gets invaded by demons, it’s our business to literally go save the world.

We need to hit up several “invasion” spots, kill or disrupt whatever evil force we find there, and do it fast. Our strike team preps. We don’t have a lot of time to buff ourselves, so Arkion wastes no time: He uses Craft (Pottery) to barter us up some better gear and rolls a 30. Blam! Maximum benefit from Craft (Pottery)!

Invasion Spot #2: Rats of Round Mountain. We go to find and help Cruella the Ratfolk Druid. In the literally round mountain, we explore a wacky funhouse of twisty caves and face down a DUAL CHUUL ambush! Our poor ranger gets paralyzed by venom and stuffed beneath a boulder to drown. Even so, we best the chuuls and find Cruella. We repair a Reality Rift and go.

Invasion Spot #5. Duergar of Slave Mountain. There’s an evil stone. We blow it up and free the slaves. Not before three evil crossbowmen and a BRUTE WIGHT all freak out at our sudden appearance and drop a negative level on Arkion, but still. Is this the work of night hags?

Invasion Spot #5 (Arkion’s math skills are terrible). Patchwork Allies. Our bard rolls a 1 and gets a 29 so that’s really all that needs to be said about this scenario. There are wyvernlings and the mummies of Mumm-Ra and they’re arguing or maybe they’re in love but they have trust issues – who knows?

Rebecca the bard knows, that’s who. She knows all about that shit. She brokers peace like some people tie their shoes. They’re signing treaties and shaking hands before the rest of us even realize there’s a conflict.

So yeah, we’re doing really great. It looks like Astral Forces led by Night Hags were stealing Hao Jin’s water and leaving a wake of vile mindless undead behind them. Typical night hag bullshit, am I right? As we’re packing up, content with the damage we’ve caused and the damage we’ve prevented, the tapestry rips and OH SHIT FUCK IT’S A MAJOR ATTACK FROM THE ASTRAL PLANE!

We use the Pathfinders’ magic to teleport to a forsaken pyramid to fight a vile bodak and a flying mohrg. Very scary stuff. Arkion crits the Mohrg for 156 damage! Woooooo! Personal Best!

We go, then, to the desert. We see flying astral skiffs and ancient ruins. And, suddenly, marsh giants! Big dumb blubbery hag minions. We dispatch them handily. And, even more suddenly, the RUBY PHOENIX RETURNS!

It is a battle for the ages, steeped in ancient lore and filled with ritual significance. The Ruby Phoenix is an ancient wizard who created the tapestry; she’s returned in the form of her phoenix avatar to burn it all to the ground and start fresh (nevermind the gazillions of innocent lives that’ll cost).

The party stands their ground, bloodied as they are, against the avatar of the Ruby Phoenix.

It summons up a wall of fire and nearly incinerates us with is powerful magic. Arkion parkours across a section of crumbling wall and stands at just the right height to smash it with his naginata.

Incensed, the Phoenix flaps it mighty wings and takes off into the sky, blasting the party with yet more arcane fire. Arkion drinks a potion of flying and follows after. The kineticists are doing a bang-up job of bypassing the Phoenix’s natural defenses with their strange witchery, and Arkion is hellbent on positioning himself for a killing blow. His vigor is being burnt away with every passing nanosecond, wreathed as he is in crimson flame, but at last, with what little strength he still possesses, he reaches the Phoenix and strikes!

In the precise moment Arkion swung his blade to slay the Phoenix, the Phoenix used its magic to banish Arkion from the Tapestry. Arkion found himself flying in the desert sky one second, reckless and aflame, and crashing across documents and into a table filled with confused sages and alarmed soldiers in the next.

He demanded to be sent back. He needed to finish the job, to save the others, to slay the great and formidable Ruby Phoenix! But it was not to be.

From their vantage below, Arkion’s companions saw him fly into the Phoenix’s flames and disappear. The Phoenix shrieked but continued to rain fire down upon them. Bloodied, burnt, and nearly beaten, the noble Moonbean summoned the last of his strength and blasted the Ruby Phoenix one final time. It was enough. The creature burst into ash and aether and rained down upon the desert.

They searched the place where the creature’s ashes fell, but found no sign of Arkion. He had courted death, and his reckless advances had been returned. Luckily for him, the gods adore a spectacle. Gorum had spared his life just as Arkion was determined to sacrifice it; the Ruby Phoenix allowed him to be reborn in flame.

Here ends the record of the deeds of Arkion.

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Final Fantasy XIV, Part 15 (Last Wednesday Night)

Last Wednesday night, five of the Mighty Owlbears banded together and fought against some elder primals. Sephirot and Sophia were up first. I know these graphics are a bit dated and other people have ooooh'd and aaaah'd over this already, but hey, it's my first time, all right? So I'm gonna slather praise on these gorgeous boss demons. Sick stuff. Check it out.

Truffle, Glock, and Worfina stand strong against Sephirot



And as badass as he was, Sophia just straight up tops him in every sense of the word. Rawr.

We killed the third demon guy, too, but honestly, I wasn't as impressed by him. Just take my word for it that we killed him and saved the world. From there, we went on to explore Alexander - Fist of the Father, and while that's a pretty strange and evocative name on one hand, on the other, it also sounds kinda dumb. But I digress. Screenshots, speak for me!








I'm starting to feel desensitized to how awesome all this stuff is. Remember back in March when I wrote extensively about an NPC I dubbed Evil George Washington? I was positively enchanted by his tricorn hat and sideburns. Now, as I'm looking at all these Voltron robot bosses and hologram mandalas and cities built inside of giant robots, I'm finding myself writing things like, "Yeah, so, this was pretty neat, there were robots and goblins and we just sorta ran in and kicked their asses."

I really wish that some of these dope holograms and robot-bosses would've shown up before I was 300+ hours into this game. Hey, James Fantasy, creator of Final Fantasy XIV, if you're listening? Maybe instead of killing goobbues in one of those random forest zones around level 30, we could've gone inside the hologram manadala thing instead? Would've had more emotional impact. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, after a hard day of adventure, Drippy and Aericka went to her new apartment for a while and hung out. She hasn't got her hot tub installed just yet, but I like her choice of posters and quality table decorum. And she lives near the beach so like, we can just run outside and go for a night swim whenever we want. Really, it was the perfect end to a delightful day.




On that note: It's summer, now, and I'm playing a lot less Final Fantasy than I was when the weather was chilly and the days were short. Other games have grabbed my attention, lately, too, like Sea of Thieves and Hunt: Showdown and, of course, some variety or another of D&D. So, this will likely be my last Final Fantasy update for a while... I still love the game, but like I said above, I can feel myself becoming desensitized to all the awesomeness, and that's simply not what I'm about. Gotta savor it, and not rush through one thing simply to reach another. After all, 

“There are a thousand reasons to live this life, every one of them is sufficient.”
― Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

(For the record, I have no idea who Marilynne Robinson is. I just wanted to end with a snappy highbrow quote. And since I've essentially ruined that now...)

"Oh, do not look at me so. A smile better suits a hero..."